It has been awhile since I have blogged and it's because life has thrown my family and I a few curve balls lately. We are still swinging at those curve balls but I thought this might be a good way to work through some of the items that are floating through my head right now and to keep those near and dear to us involved. Orginally this blog was started to document our travel experiences after our upcoming move to England....Now it may be more of the more abstract "traveling" through the day to day and our more traditional traveling as well.
Our first major curve ball happened on July 11th. Em and I had traveled to Panama City, FL to spend a long weekend with the hubs who was there for training. That evening, minutes after I had laid Em to sleep, I received a phone call that I wish for no one to ever receive. My sister called me hysterically telling me the heartbreaking news that my 20 year old baby brother had committed suicide.
There was an indescribable feeling that washed over me, part disbelief,
part shock, part pure sickness and what has always been my personal
coping mechanism, the feeling that I needed to get home and fix
everything/take care of everyone...That is in fact my job as being the
oldest sibling. After the worst day of travel we have ever had, we made
it home and began to deal with the "business" aspect that follows an
unexpected death. I personally take so much comfort in having a list of
things to do, which we had and I was able to rely on the strength of my
lists to keep me moving minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day.
After the funeral, our family had to head back to VA because Nick needed
to get back to work.
Being home was my second curve ball. It's very difficult to be home where everything is normal and to walk around feeling so broken. I found myself being upset with friends that were going on about their normal lives and so upset over things that seemed so mundane to me. Nick was back at work and I was back to taking care of Em all day. It's hard to grieve and take care of a high speed toddler at the same time. Again, there is some comfort in being busy but it is also so difficult to give up your needs to care for others.
Then there is the move and the millions and trillions of appointments and papers that need to be taken care of. I literally spend hours a day driving from base to base or doctor to doctor to complete the all important to do list. We had to sell our RV, 2 cars, lots of belongs, schedule movers and shippers, and complete the overseas medical screenings.The entire family had to have dental checks through the navy, including Em with her 6 teeth, and physicals, immunizations, etc.
As I went to my final appointment for our medical clearances, I was thrown my next curve ball. I was getting a normal annual exam when the doctor noticed lumps in the lymph nodes area of my left breast. I am scheduled for an ultra sound to check out exactly what is happening but in the mean time I am lost. The waiting and thinking about the possibilities is exhausting and terrifying. I do not know that I have the strength to deal with one more item on my already emotionally full plate.
With all the curve balls I am trying to stay positive and to "hide my crazy" but I can't help but wonder why is all of this happening right now? What have I done to deserve all of this? And why can't someone just cut me a break! As for now, I shall wait and continue to keep my to do list full and play peek a boo with my precious angel.
